Chapter 14 - The Booth by the Window at the Diner
The diner smelled like coffee and bacon grease and clean mop water. It was bright in a way that hurt my eyes after all the offices. The sun came in through the big windows by the highway and made squares on the gray tile floor. Cars went past fast outside.
Ms. Patel got there first with Mr. Harlan. She picked the booth in the back by the window so nobody would walk right past us. She put her bag on the seat and slid in on one side. Mr. Harlan sat next to her, not across. He wore a gray sweater instead of his suit. His hands were folded on the table. He didn't look at the menu.
My mom was already late.
I sat across from them with my legs tucked under me. My shoes were new and they squeaked on the vinyl seat. Ms. Patel had poured me a water from the pitcher on the table. I held it with both hands because I didn't know what else to do with them. The waitress asked if we wanted coffee. Ms. Patel said we'd wait a minute.
I watched the door every time the bell rang. My stomach kept turning over. I hadn't been hungry that morning, which scared me more than being hungry.
Then the bell rang again and she walked in.
She looked smaller than I remembered. Her hair was pulled back and dark at the roots. She wore a black jacket that was too big and jeans. She looked around and saw us and stopped for a second. Her mouth moved like she was going to smile and then didn't.
"Hey, baby," she said when she got to the table.
I didn't say anything. My throat got tight.
Ms. Patel stood up a little. "Thanks for coming, Lisa. Sit down, please."
My mom slid in next to me. Not across. Next to me. I could smell cigarettes and mint gum on her. Her knee bumped mine under the table and she moved it away fast like sorry.
"I came straight from the bus," she said. She looked at Mr. Harlan, then back at me. "You look good, Em. You look... you got shoes."
I looked down at my new shoes.
The waitress came back. Nobody ordered much. Ms. Patel got coffee. Mr. Harlan said just water. My mom asked for coffee, black. I said chocolate milk because Ms. Patel had told me I could get whatever I wanted. When it came in the tall glass, I didn't drink it.
Ms. Patel did most of the talking at first. She said this was just a time to talk, no decisions today. She said everyone wanted to hear what I was thinking. She kept her voice low and even. My mom nodded too fast and kept touching the paper napkin, tearing off a corner.
I stared at the ketchup bottle between us. I had planned what I was going to say in the car with Mr. Harlan. He hadn't told me what to say. He'd just said, you get to ask what you need to ask. On the drive he'd been quiet and kept both hands on the wheel at ten and two even when we were stopped.
I didn't look at him now. I knew if I did I wouldn't say it right.
I turned a little toward my mom. My hands were shaking so I put them in my lap.
"Where were you?" I said.
She blinked. "What?"
"After Grandpa's. Where did you go?"
She glanced at Ms. Patel. Ms. Patel didn't help her. My mom licked her lips.
"I was... I was trying to get work, Em. Down in Cedar Falls. I thought your grandpa was watching you for a little while. I didn't know he was that sick. I swear I didn't."
That wasn't what I asked, but I let it sit there. The window buzzed a little from the highway trucks.
"Why didn't you come back?" I said. "I hadn't eaten since Friday."
Her face changed. She reached for my hand and I moved it to hold my milk glass.
"Baby, don't say that," she whispered. "I left food. I left money on the counter. I told—"
"There was no money," I said. My voice sounded louder than I meant. A man two booths over looked up. I made it quieter. "There was cereal but no milk. And then nothing. I waited until Monday. I walked to the restaurant because it was raining and the lights were on."
She started crying without sound. Tears went down her cheeks and she wiped them with the back of her hand.
"I messed up," she said. "I know I messed up. I was using again for a while and I got scared to come home and have you see me like that. I thought you were better with him. I didn't know he died. Nobody told me until the lady called me."
Mr. Harlan didn't move. I could see his hands out of the corner of my eye, still folded. He didn't jump in to make it easier for her. He had promised he wouldn't.
I breathed in through my nose. My chest hurt.
"Did you look for me?" I asked.
She nodded fast. "Yes. Yes, when I heard, I— I called your grandpa's number and the neighbor said— I didn't know where—"
But she hadn't finished the sentence. She tore more of the napkin.
Ms. Patel said softly, "Lisa, just answer her as best you can."
My mom looked at me. "I'm clean now. Thirty-one days. I'm in the program. I got a bed at the house. I can see you regular if they let me. I want that."
I thought about Grandpa's apartment with the empty fridge and the calendar still on last week. I thought about the warm milk at the restaurant and the clean sheets at Mr. Harlan's guest room and how he knocked every time before he opened the door.
I didn't hate her. I had thought I might hate her when I saw her and I didn't. That made it harder.
"I need to say what safe is," I said. I had practiced that line. Ms. Patel nodded for me to go on.
I looked at my milk and then at my mom.
"Safe is somebody stays," I said. "Safe is food every day and the door locked and nobody yells. Safe is I don't have to be barefoot in the rain to get dinner."
My mom covered her mouth.
"I won't go back to being alone in an apartment and waiting," I said. "I won't do that again. Even if you miss me. I won't."
My voice shook on the last part. I stopped and took a sip of the chocolate milk to make the shaking stop. It was cold and too sweet.
Nobody talked for a minute. The waitress refilled Ms. Patel's coffee. Outside a big truck pulled off the highway into the gas station next door.
My mom put her hands flat on the table like she was trying to keep them still.
"I hear you," she said. Her voice was hoarse. "You're right to say that."
She didn't promise she would take me home tomorrow. She didn't say it would all be like before. I was glad and sad at the same time.
Ms. Patel put her pen down. "Thank you, Emily. That was very clear. That's what we needed to hear."
Mr. Harlan finally looked at me. His blue eyes were wet but his face was still. He gave me a tiny nod, just once. Like you did good.
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My mom asked if she could hug me before she left for her bus. I let her hug me sideways in the booth. Her jacket was damp and her arms were thin. I didn't hug back all the way. I just stood there and let her arms be around me for three seconds and then I stepped back.
After she left, the bell over the door rang and didn't stop ringing in my head for a while.
