Chapter 1: The Chair No One Wanted Me To Touch
The candles were already lit when I stepped into the doorway. Three white tapers burned low on the runner between the stacked plates and the wine glasses, and the light hit the polish on that big wood table so hard it looked wet. Mr. Balanki sat at the head in his black suit with his white pocket square folded sharp, his long dark hair tucked behind his ears, his tattooed hand resting near his silver watch. He wasn't eating yet. Nobody was. Selene stood near him in her black satin dress with her diamond necklace catching the sconce light, and the man in the tuxedo with the bow tie was half-turned in his seat. My mom stood back against the wall with her hands clasped in her white apron, trying not to be seen. And right in front of me was the chair, that dark wood oval-back with the cream cushion, pulled out just enough that I couldn't get past without touching it.
My mom had told me not to come upstairs during the dinner. Selene had said the same thing earlier, smiling while she said it, that this table was not for me.
My name is Lily. I was five that night and I still believed if I asked nicely enough I could be family.
It was just past seven and the hallway behind me was that cool blue evening light from the back door, the kind that made the warm dining room look even warmer. I had my hands clasped the way Mom taught me, fingers laced so tight my knuckles went white. I could hear myself breathing. I could see the empty place at Mr. Balanki's left, the cream chair waiting, the silver fork set exactly straight. I took one step forward and the floorboard made a soft creak and then I was standing behind that chair with both hands on its top rail. The wood was smooth and cool. I looked up at Mr. Balanki and I felt my voice shake before it came out.
I swallowed and said it exactly how I'd practiced in the kitchen. "Mr. Balanki, can I sit with you?"
Selene answered before he could. She didn't look at my mom. She looked right at me and her smile went flat. The man in the tuxedo turned his head toward her first, then toward me, his eyebrows pulling together. The candles kept burning. I watched Selene's mouth move and her voice stayed sweet in that way that made my stomach hurt.
"This table is for family, sweetheart, not the help."
My mom made a small sound and pressed her hands tighter together. I felt my eyes get wide and hot and then I looked down at the chair cushion because I didn't know where else to look. I thought about letting go of the rail and running back to the blue hallway. I thought Mom would lose her job if I didn't. I thought maybe Mr. Balanki would agree with Selene because it was his house and his table and his family.
He pushed his chair back and stood. The legs scraped soft against the rug. He came around and rested his big tattooed hand on the back of the oval chair right next to where my hands were, his watch catching the candlelight. He didn't look at Selene when he spoke. He looked down at me.
"Sit down, Lily, that chair is yours tonight."
His hand stayed there while I slid onto the cushion. The seat was too big and my feet didn't quite touch the floor. My pink dress puffed around me and my white socks showed. Mom's hand went to her mouth and her eyes filled. Selene's arms were crossed now and her lips were pressed thin. She'd picked up her small light-colored clutch off the sideboard and was holding it with both hands like she was holding it together. The tuxedo guest stared at his plate.
May you like
Then my mom whispered it, not loud, like she couldn't hold it in anymore, her voice shaking. "She had that card when she came out of your locked room."
No one moved. Selene's fingers tightened around that clutch until her knuckles went white. Mr. Balanki's hand was still on the back of my chair, and his eyes lifted from me to Selene, and the whole table went silent except for the candles.
