Chapter 9: The Afternoon I Was Supposed to Resent
Linda didn't ask me to watch the twins. She told me.
It was Saturday morning and I was at the kitchen counter trying to smooth out the crease in my envelope where it had been folded against a coffee ground. Robert had left for a half shift at the warehouse and Linda stood in the doorway with her arms crossed the same way she had when I pulled the letter from the trash.
"They have a dentist appointment at two," she said. "You'll be here. I have errands."
I didn't argue. After the week we'd had, arguing just gave her more to twist. I nodded once and she left without saying thank you, her keys jingling as the front door closed.
The twins were in the living room by ten. Ben and Chloe, six years old, both in matching blue t-shirts that were already stained at the collar. They didn't see me as the person who was supposed to be trapped with them. They saw me and ran.
"Maya, you wanna play school?" Chloe asked, grabbing my hand with both of hers. Her grip was tight and sticky.
Ben dragged over a plastic bin of crayons and dumped it on the rug. "You're the teacher," he said. "You always do the voices."
I sat down on the floor with them because the couch felt too much like I was supervising. On the rug I was just there. Chloe climbed into my lap without asking and leaned her head back against my chest. I could feel her hair against my chin and her breathing, slow and even. For the first hour we just played. I did the voices for their stuffed animals like I always did, the deep bear voice and the squeaky mouse, and they laughed until Ben snorted milk out his nose.
That was the part I hadn't let myself think about. It wasn't just that Linda wanted a free sitter. The twins actually wanted me. When Chloe couldn't find her left shoe, she didn't look for Linda. She looked at me. When Ben got frustrated because his drawing ripped, he brought it to me to tape. I was the person who knew where the tape was and how to do the bear voice right. That made it harder to be just angry.
Around noon I got up to make them peanut butter sandwiches. The kitchen was quiet and I could hear them in the other room whispering about what color the sky should be. I cut the crusts off the way they liked, triangles not squares, and poured milk into the small plastic cups with the lids.
Linda came back at twelve-thirty, earlier than she said. She didn't come into the living room. She stood in the kitchen doorway and watched me wipe Chloe's hands.
"You see?" she said, low enough that they wouldn't hear. "They need you here. You can't just leave them with a stranger."
I kept wiping Chloe's fingers. "So what's the plan if I go?"
She crossed her arms. "We can't afford daycare, Maya. You know what your father makes. Family has to step up."
"Have you looked?" I asked. "At the after-school program at their school? Or the Y?"
She shook her head once, sharp. "Those places have wait lists. And they cost."
"Did you call?" I said. I tried to keep my voice even. "Did you actually call anyone?"
She didn't answer. That was the answer. She'd decided I was the plan and then stopped looking for another one. It wasn't that there were no options. It was that she hadn't tried to find any because it was easier to tell me I wasn't going.
I looked past her into the living room where Ben was holding up his drawing for me to see. A picture of the three of us, all stick figures with giant heads, holding hands.
Chloe had fallen asleep against the arm of the couch with her mouth open, her sandwich half-eaten beside her.
I felt the guilt come then, thick and real. Not because Linda was right, but because the twins would actually miss me and I would miss them. For a second I understood why Linda's line worked. Family comes first. It was supposed to make you feel selfish for wanting anything else.
I carried Chloe's plate to the sink. My hands weren't shaking this time.
"I'm not staying," I said, quiet but clear. "I'm going to school. That hasn't changed."
Linda's jaw tightened.
"But I'm not just going to leave you stuck either," I went on. "I'll help you find something that isn't me. I'll call the school on Monday. I'll get the numbers. You and Dad can figure out the money part together, but I'm not the childcare plan."
She stared at me like I'd changed the rules without permission. Maybe I had. For weeks I'd been either fighting her or trying to hide from her. This was different. I wasn't begging and I wasn't just defying her to make a point. I was telling her what I would do and what I wouldn't.
Ben called from the rug, "Maya, look, I colored the sky purple!"
I smiled over at him. "That's perfect. Purple sky is way better."
May you like
Linda didn't say yes. She didn't say thank you. She just turned and went back to the kitchen and started unloading grocery bags hard enough that the cans clanked.
But she didn't tell me I was selfish. She didn't tell me I was abandoning anyone. And when I sat back down on the rug, Chloe curled back into my side like I'd never gotten up, and I knew I could love them and still leave. Those two things didn't have to cancel each other out.
