Chapter 4
My eyes kept going back to that door.
The key was still on the forceps. Ruiz held it steady, not close to me, not toward me, just there where I could see it if I wanted to. I didn't want to. I wanted to watch the little rectangle of glass cut into the door and the shadow behind it.
It hadn't moved in a minute. Just the faint outline of a head in profile, blurred by the textured glass. My stomach had been tight since we'd walked past it on the way in.
Ruiz noticed. She followed my look without turning her whole body.
"You see someone out there?" she asked.
I nodded. My throat was dry. I swallowed.
She didn't stand up fast. She lowered the forceps back toward the metal tray. The key made a soft tick against the steel.
"Do you worry that's your dad?" she said, quiet.
I nodded again. My hands were twisted in the bottom of my pink shirt. The dirt at the hem felt stiff.
"Would you like to know who it actually is?" she asked. "I can check for you, and I won't open it more than an inch unless you say it's okay."
I stared at the square of light at the edge of the door. I didn't want the door to open and have him step back in.
"Is he gone?" I whispered. My voice cracked.
"He stepped out to the waiting area a few minutes ago," Ruiz said. "Clinic policy when we're doing a sensitive exam. He isn't in the hallway anymore. But let me show you, so you don't have to guess."
She waited for me to answer. I gave a small nod. She stood slowly, so I could see every move.
She walked to the door and turned the handle just enough to crack it two inches. Hallway light slipped in brighter. She kept her body in the gap, blocking the view into the room.
In the hall stood two people. Not my dad.
One was a man in navy pants and a light blue shirt with a badge clipped to his belt. He had his hands clasped in front of him and he looked straight ahead, not in. Clinic security, the patch on his sleeve said. The other was a woman about thirty, plain clothes — jeans and a soft green cardigan, hair pulled back, no scrubs. She held a clipboard down at her side and she smiled a little when Ruiz looked at her, but not in a big way.
Ruiz spoke low to her. "She's nervous about the door. Can Mara come in for a second?"
The woman in the cardigan nodded and stepped forward just to the threshold. Ruiz opened the door another few inches and then turned back toward me.
"This is Mara," Ruiz said. "She works here as a child advocate. That means she's not a nurse and not security. Her job is to stay with kids during exams if they want someone. She doesn't tell you what to say. She just sits nearby. You get to decide if she stays or goes."
Mara stayed at the door. She didn't walk in until I looked at her. She kept her voice soft, the way you'd talk in a library.
"Hi," she said. "I'm Mara. I was the shadow you saw in the window. Sorry if that scared you. I was just making sure you had privacy. Your dad is down the hall in the waiting room with the front desk. He can't hear us from there. I can sit in the chair by the wall, or I can step back out. What would feel better?"
I looked past her at the security man. He gave a short nod and then turned slightly so his back was more to the door, giving us space. He wasn't looking in at all.
That was when it clicked. The silhouette I'd been afraid of wasn't him watching. It was someone staying outside to keep him out. My chest loosened a fraction. I hadn't realized how hard I'd been holding my breath.
I glanced at Ruiz, then back at Mara. The scratches on my cheek throbbed under the bright light.
"Can you stay?" I asked Mara. My voice was small.
"Yes," she said. "I can stay the whole time."
She stepped in and Ruiz closed the door again until it clicked. The little window went dark, no shadow now. The room felt smaller but safer, like the air wasn't waiting for someone to barge in.
Mara pulled the plastic chair from the corner near the sink and sat, not too close. She set her clipboard on her lap but didn't write yet. She folded her hands.
"Do you want the key to stay on the tray where you can see it, or would you rather we cover it?" Ruiz asked me.
I looked at the brass key with the round top. My stomach turned again, but differently.
"Leave it," I said. "I don't want him to have it."
Ruiz nodded. "It stays here. No one takes it out of this room without you knowing."
Mara added, "And nothing we talk about in here goes to the waiting room. If someone needs to talk to your dad, they'll do it separately."
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I sat back a little against the exam table paper. It crinkled. My feet didn't reach the floor. For the first time since the penlight, I stopped staring at the door.
"Okay," I said. And I meant that she could stay, and we could keep going.
