Chapter 11 - The Deck Looked Smaller in the Morning
I hadn't slept right. Leo had kicked the blanket off twice and then curled straight into my side like he did when he was two, his breath warm against my arm. I laid there listening to him and to the fridge humming in our little apartment kitchen, and I kept seeing the deck. Not the whole barbecue, just that one piece of it. His hand up in the air.
That morning I got him dressed slow. Same white shirt with the thin stripes and the little blue pocket, washed and dried overnight because he asked for it. He didn't say why and I didn't ask. I put his sneakers on and tied them twice. I packed his backpack with crackers and his dinosaur and a change of clothes in case. I told myself I wasn't going over there to fight.
My name is Jenna, and I drove out to my mom's side of the family because I didn't know how else to be his mom that day.
County Road 9 was empty for a Sunday. Corn high on both sides, the sky pale and already hot by nine-thirty. Leo kicked his feet against the car seat and counted mailboxes out loud. When we turned onto Carol's road, my hands went tight on the wheel. Her house sat back off the blacktop with the same gravel drive and the same wooden deck stuck out behind it, the rails my dad built before he passed. The grill was covered now with its black cover. The string lights were still up from yesterday, sagging a little in the daylight.
I parked behind her old Buick and cut the engine. For a second I just sat there.
"You remember Grandma Carol's house?" I said, looking at him in the mirror.
"She has the fries," he said.
My chest pulled. "She might. We're just going to talk for a bit, okay? You can play."
He nodded, already unbuckling his chest clip the way I'd taught him.
Carol must have heard the gravel. The back door opened before we got to the steps, and there she was in that green floral dress, her short brown bob combed neat, a dish towel in her hands. When she saw us, she stopped.
"Well," she said. "You're early." She smiled, but it didn't settle. Her eyes went straight to Leo. "Hi, buddy."
"Hi," Leo said quietly, holding his dinosaur tight.
I came up the steps with his backpack on my shoulder. The wood was still damp in the corners where the sun hadn't hit. I could smell coffee and cut grass.
"We were in the area," I said, which was a lie because nothing is in the area of Carol's house unless you mean to be. "Can we talk? Just us for a few minutes. On the deck."
She looked from me to Leo and back. "Now?"
"Yeah, if that's okay. He can play right here where we can see him."
A pause stretched out. A truck went by on the county road, a low rumble. Carol folded the dish towel in half, then in half again.
"Of course," she said finally. "Come on up."
That was the strangest part, how normal the next five minutes were. She brought out a plastic bin of his old outside toys like she'd been keeping them for exactly this, a couple trucks with missing wheels and a red bucket and bubbles that had probably gone flat. Leo took them straight to the far corner of the deck, within sight, just like I'd asked. He lined the trucks up along the railing and made quiet engine sounds.
Carol and I stood by the table. The same folding table from yesterday was still out, wiped clean. There were faint rings where the cups had been. Someone had stacked the extra chairs against the house. I could see the exact spot where Leo had stood with his hand up. It looked smaller in the morning light. That made it worse somehow.
"I didn't expect you today," Carol said. She kept her voice light. "Did you get my — did your mom talk to you?"
"We got the calls," I said. I set the backpack down on a chair. "Eleven of them. And Colleen texted."
Carol nodded like that explained something. "Your mom worries."
"I worried too," I said. "Yesterday."
She glanced toward Leo, then back at me. She tucked the towel over her arm. "Jenna, if this is about the fries —"
"It is about the fries," I said. I wasn't yelling. I made sure of that. My voice sounded flat even to me. "But I don't want to do it with him listening. Can we just sit for a minute? Here?"
She hesitated, then pulled out a chair. I pulled out the one across from her. The wood scraped loud against the deck boards. Leo looked up at the sound, and I smiled at him.
"You're good, baby. Keep playing."
He went back to his trucks. The bubbles tipped over and rolled, and he chased it with his foot to stop it from going off the edge. Carol watched him the whole time.
"He looks tired," she said.
"He didn't sleep great," I said.
May you like
Neither had I, but I didn't say that. The sun was coming over the roof now, laying a bright line across the table between us. I put my hands flat on the table to keep them still. I could feel yesterday sitting right under the surface of this morning, waiting.
Carol folded her hands. "Alright," she said. "We're here. On the deck. What do you need from me?"
