Chapter 2 - Laughter Behind Him
The laughter didn't stop. That was the part that stuck under my skin and stayed there.
Leo's hand was still up, his fingers shaking a little in the bright air, tears cutting clean lines down his cheeks. He made that hitched sound in his throat when he tried to breathe and cry at the same time. Behind me someone snorted. My uncle's grill hissed. I could smell charcoal and lighter fluid and the salt off the fries my mother was still holding just out of his reach.
I moved before I decided to move. I stepped in front of him and dropped to my knees on the warm boards of the deck. Splinters pressed through my jeans. That was fine. I needed to be low enough that he didn't have to look past everybody to find me.
"Hey," I said. "Hey, look at me."
He didn't. His eyes were locked on the plate.
"Leo," I said, softer. "Breathe with me."
I put my hand lightly on his back, between his shoulder blades, and felt how fast he was going. His white shirt with the thin stripes was damp at the collar. The little blue pocket over his chest rose and fell. I counted out loud, slow, so he could hear me over the yard noise.
"In through your nose. One, two. Out. That's it."
His breath caught, then evened for half a second. A tear dropped off his chin onto my thumb. He finally looked at me, and his mouth wobbled.
"Can you do that one more time for me?" I said. "Just one more."
He tried. The air rattled going in, but he got it. That small steadiness felt bigger than anything else happening on that deck.
My mom's voice came from above us, bright and even. "Jenna, he's fine. I'm just teaching him patience."
I looked up. Carol stood there in her green floral dress, the white plate piled high with fries balanced in both hands like she was posing for a picture. Her short brown bob hadn't moved in the heat. She smiled, not unkindly, but practiced, the way she smiled when she wanted the moment to be over.
"He asked first," I said.
"He asked," she said, "and I said to wait his turn. There's a whole line of kids here. We don't grab."
"He wasn't grabbing," I said. "He raised his hand."
Someone behind her laughed again, quieter this time. My cousin said something under his breath about it being just fries. The grill lid clanged shut. Leo pressed his forehead hard against my shoulder and hid his face, his fingers twisting in my sleeve.
My mom shifted the plate a little farther back. "You're making it a bigger deal than it is. He'll forget in five minutes if you let him."
I felt his breathing pick up again against my neck. Small, hot breaths. His whole weight leaned into me like I was the only solid thing on that deck.
I stood up with him still clinging to me and then lifted him. He was forty pounds of elbows and knees, too big to carry like that for long, but I got my arms under him and he locked his legs around my waist. His striped shirt stuck to my skin. He tucked his head into the curve of my shoulder so he wouldn't have to see them watching.
"We're going to take a break," I said.
Carol blinked. "Jenna."
"He needs a minute," I said. I kept my voice low. I didn't want Leo to hear a fight in my chest. "It's hot and he's upset. We're just going to get some air."
"You're going to spoil him if you run every time he cries," she said. The smile stayed, but her eyes flicked past me to the others. She could feel them watching. "Everyone's kids wait. Ask anybody here."
I didn't ask anybody. I turned. The deck boards creaked under my sneakers as I carried him toward the steps. The sun was hard on the back of my neck. The yard opened up beyond the railing, coolers and folding chairs and paper plates starting to lift in the breeze off the lake.
Behind me, the laughter thinned into talk. I heard the clink of tongs, ice in a cooler, my uncle calling out that burgers were almost done. No one followed. That hurt more than I expected.
Halfway down the steps, my phone buzzed in my back pocket.
Once. Then again. Hard against my hip bone where Leo's sneaker pressed.
I stopped on the second-to-last step. My arms were full and my son's face was wet against my collar, and whatever was waiting on that black screen wasn't going to wait much longer. I didn't pull it out. I just stood there with the vibration traveling up through me while Leo breathed in shaky pulls against my shirt.
"We're okay," I whispered into his light brown hair. "I've got you. We're walking."
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I started again across the grass toward the line of cars parked by the side fence. Gravel crunched under my shoes past the edge of the lawn. Leo didn't lift his head. He didn't ask for the fries again.
Behind us, I knew without turning that my mother was still standing on the deck holding that plate, watching us go.
