Chapter 4 - I Got Down on My Knees in the Snow
Lily didn't fall all at once. She folded.
One second she was standing with her mitten curled around the bunny's ear, the next her knees bent sideways and her whole weight tipped into me. I caught her under the arms. Her snowsuit was slick with wet snow and her boots slid a little on the sidewalk.
"Whoa. Hey. I got you," I said.
She didn't answer. Her head dropped forward and her pom hat tipped down over her eyes. I pushed it back with my gray glove. Her cheeks were red in patches and white around her mouth. Her breathing was fast and shallow, the way it got when she cried too long.
We were in the middle of the sidewalk. On both sides the snow was piled up against the fences. Nobody had shoveled this stretch. My black boots were already soaked through at the seams. I could feel the cold coming up through my socks.
I looked back toward Grandma's street, then forward where the sidewalk went on and disappeared around a bend. No car. No Mom. Just the gray sky and the sound of my own breath.
"Lily," I said. "Stand up a little for me. Okay?"
She tried. Her legs shook and then buckled again.
That scared me more than the doorway had. At the doorway I could be mad. Here I just felt small. I was eight. I didn't know what you were supposed to do when a three-year-old couldn't walk anymore.
I got down in front of her. The snow went right through my dark pants at the knees, cold and sharp. I didn't care. I put both my hands on her shoulders and pulled her into me.
She leaned. All of her weight came onto my chest. Her blue snowsuit squeaked against my maroon coat. I wrapped my arms around her back and locked my gloves together so she couldn't slide down.
I could feel her bunny pressed between us, damp and flat. She shifted one mitten and clutched it tighter, pulling it up under her chin like she was hiding it.
"That's it," I whispered. "Lean on me."
For a minute we just stayed like that. Me kneeling, her half-standing half-hanging on me. A wind moved down the sidewalk and lifted some loose snow off the top of a fence and blew it in our faces. Lily flinched and turned her face into my coat.
I tried to think what Mom would do. Mom would pick her up. I couldn't pick her up and carry her far. I'd tried once at the apartment parking lot and only made it to the stairs.
"Are your eyes open?" I asked.
She mumbled something into my coat. I couldn't hear it.
"What?" I bent my head down close to her hat. "Say it again."
"Tired," she said.
I knew she was. I was tired too and I was bigger. But if she fell asleep here on the cold ground, I didn't know how I'd wake her up. That thought made my throat close.
I squeezed her a little harder and rocked just a bit, the way Mom did when Lily had a fever last winter. Back and forth on our knees on the sidewalk.
"Please, Lily, stay with me," I said.
My voice cracked on her name. I hated that. I wanted to sound strong for her. But the tears were already there, hot at first and then cold on my cheeks. I didn't wipe them because if I let go with one hand I was afraid she'd slip.
She didn't answer, but her mitten moved. She fisted the bunny even tighter and pressed her forehead harder against my shoulder. I felt her nod, just a tiny nod, like she heard me even if she couldn't talk right.
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The street stayed quiet. No doors opening. No footsteps. No Mom calling our names. Just the white sky and the wet sidewalk and the two of us kneeling there hugging with snow soaking through everything we wore.
I held her and I cried and I didn't get up.
