Chapter 13 - Why She Carried Flowers
The closet door stayed open behind us and I couldn't stop seeing it. The white panel caught the lamplight. The black handle hung down. Inside, on top of my folded winter blankets, the flower-print pad sat like something left after a costume party. Cream cotton with little pink roses. The elastic straps curled up at the edges.
Vanessa didn't look at it. She stood with her back to it, arms wrapped tight over her beige dress, breathing fast through her nose. Her updo had slipped. A piece of blonde hair stuck to her damp cheek.
"He heard me, didn't he?" she said.
I nodded. My phone was still on the couch where I'd dropped it. Mark's voice had cut off when I picked up the towel. I didn't know if he'd hung up or was still there.
Vanessa wiped her face hard with the back of her hand. "Don't call him back yet. Please."
I didn't pick up the phone. I sat down on the arm of the couch so I was lower than her. My legs felt shaky. "Talk to me first, then."
She laughed once, short. "You want the story."
"I want what Lily walked into," I said. "That's all."
She stared at the pink flowers on the bokeh behind me, the candles we'd lit for what was supposed to be a nice night. For a second her face went calm again, the way it had been when she first held her belly and said she was carrying his baby.
"In March I thought I was pregnant," she said. "I told Mark. He — he actually smiled. For like a whole weekend he kept his hand right here." She touched her side. "Then I started spotting. The doctor said wait and see. I waited. It stopped. Then it started again."
I didn't move. I could hear the clock in the kitchen.
"Mark didn't say it, but he pulled back," she said. "He stopped asking. He started staying late. I could feel him deciding if I was still worth the mess. I hated that."
She finally glanced at the closet, then away fast.
"I ordered it in April. Online. It said realistic second trimester. I told myself I'd just try it on. Just to see how it would feel if I could tell him good news again."
My throat tightened. "Vanessa."
"Listen," she snapped, then caught herself. Her voice dropped. "That night, before everybody came, I was in your hall bathroom fixing the straps. It kept riding up. I slapped at it. Hard. I was mad at it. Lily came around the corner. She just stood there with that clip in her hair. She stared."
That matched. Mommy, she hit it. In the closet. The little thing has flowers.
"She saw the edge of it?" I asked.
"She saw me with my dress up and that thing in my hands. I panicked. I shoved it in the closet and told her to go get juice. I thought she was three. I thought she wouldn't —" Vanessa's voice broke. "She wouldn't remember."
We sat with that. The candle wick popped.
"You let her stand there tonight and called her a liar," I said. I kept my voice low. I didn't want Lily to hear this from the neighbor's through the wall, didn't want any of it louder than it had to be.
"I know." She pressed her palms to her eyes. "I know I did. I was afraid if I backed down even a little, Mark would see it on my face."
I thought of Lily pointing, so serious. The little thing has flowers. She hadn't been trying to ruin anyone. She'd just reported what she saw literally.
"I believe you lost something," I said. "I believe you were scared he'd leave."
Vanessa looked up fast, hopeful.
"But I'm not going to make that okay," I went on. "You used my kid to hold it together. You can't be around her until this is straight with Mark. Face to face. Not on the phone."
She wiped her nose with her fingers. Mascara streaked. "You think I don't know that?"
"I think you need to say you'll do it."
May you like
A long pause. She looked again at the pad in my closet and this time she didn't look away. Her shoulders dropped.
"I'll tell him," she said. "Here. When he gets here. I'll tell him myself."
