Chapter 7: What Camille Feared

“I should have told you about our daughters.”
Adrien read the sentence again, though the words had not changed.
The clinic room seemed to shrink around him. A cart rattled somewhere beyond the door. One of the twins shifted beside his chair, her small shoulder brushing his arm. On the bed, Elise watched him without asking what came next.
He looked at Mila and Nora.
“Would you like me to read the rest aloud?”
Nora nodded. Mila held her clay token against her chest and studied his face.
“If it gets too much, we can stop,” Adrien said. “Any of us can.”
He lowered his eyes to the page.
“Adrien,
“I have started this letter a dozen times. Each time, I tell myself I will find a better way to say it in person. I will wait until we can sit at the same table, until we are both calm, until I know exactly what you’ll say.
“I keep waiting for a moment when I won’t be afraid.”
His throat tightened. Camille’s handwriting leaned slightly to the right, familiar as the sound of her voice. He paused until he could breathe steadily, then continued.
“When we separated, I thought the hardest part would be learning how to live without you. I was wrong. The hardest part came later, when I learned I was pregnant.”
Mila’s fingers curled around the clay.
Adrien stopped.
“Do you want me to keep reading?” he asked.
The twins looked at each other. Nora nodded first. Mila gave a tiny nod after her.
He continued.
“I found out after you had moved out. I was alone when the doctor told me there were two heartbeats. I remember laughing because I couldn’t understand what else to do. Then I cried until I couldn’t see the screen.
“I wanted to call you. I picked up the phone more times than I can count. But I kept hearing the things we’d said when everything between us was hurting. I told myself you needed space. I told myself you had made your choice.”
Adrien’s hand tightened on the paper.
He remembered the last weeks of their marriage in scattered pieces: long workdays, meals eaten without speaking, the suitcase he had packed as if leaving were a task to finish before the next meeting. He remembered telling himself that distance would give them room to think.
He had never asked what Camille thought that distance meant.
“I didn’t want you to feel trapped,” the letter continued. “I was afraid that if I told you, you would come back because you felt obligated. I couldn’t bear the thought of you staying out of duty and resenting me—and resenting them.”
Adrien looked at the girls.
They were listening so carefully that neither seemed to breathe.
“I told myself I was protecting all of us. Maybe I was protecting myself, too. If I didn’t ask you to come back, you couldn’t say no.”
The words blurred. Adrien lowered the page and blinked hard.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
Nora’s brows drew together.
“For what?” she asked.
“For how much I didn’t know. And for the ways I helped make it harder for your mother to tell me.”
He looked back down.
“Camille wrote that the girls were born healthy. She wrote about their first nights at home, their tiny hands, and the way they both seemed to wake whenever the other cried. She described their first birthdays and the crooked cake Elise helped her make. She wrote that they had your stubbornness, Adrien, and my habit of getting quiet when I’m afraid.”
A fragile, startled laugh escaped him. It hurt, but it was real.
Elise smiled faintly from the bed.
“That sounds like Camille,” she said.
Adrien read on.
“I watched them grow. I told them about you—not as a story meant to replace you, and not as a promise that you would come back. I told them you were kind, and that you could fix almost anything. I also told them you sometimes mistook silence for strength. I hope you’ve learned better.”
Adrien let out a breath that was almost another laugh.
“I haven’t,” he murmured. “Not enough.”
Nora leaned closer to Mila. Their hands stayed linked.
“The longer I waited, the harder it became to explain why I had waited. I thought I needed a perfect answer before I faced you. I thought I needed to know how you would react before I took the chance.
“But I can’t know what you’ll feel. I can only tell you the truth: I was frightened. I loved our daughters. I loved you. And I didn’t know how to hold all of that without losing something.”
Adrien stopped at the end of the paragraph.
The girls were still watching him. He could feel the question they weren’t asking yet: whether their mother’s fear meant he had not wanted them.
He folded the paper down enough to meet their eyes.
“Your mom was afraid I wouldn’t want to be a father,” he said. “That doesn’t mean she knew what I would have done. It means she was scared and made a choice without knowing.”
“Would you have come?” Mila asked.
The question was quiet. It landed harder than any accusation could have.
Adrien did not rush to answer.
“I don’t know exactly what I would have done,” he said. “I wish I could tell you I would have understood everything right away. I can’t promise that.”
Mila looked down at her token.
“But I would have wanted to know you,” he continued. “And I’m sorry I wasn’t there. That was not your fault. It wasn’t something you had to fix by finding me.”
Nora’s grip on her sister’s hand loosened a little.
“Mom said you were good at fixing things,” she said.
“I can fix a lot of things,” Adrien replied. “But I can’t fix the years that are gone. I can try to be here now. And I’ll show you, instead of asking you to believe me just because I say it.”
Nora studied him, as if weighing that answer.
Adrien returned to the letter.
“I don’t expect you to erase what happened between us. I don’t even know if you’ll want to be part of their lives. I hope you do, but I won’t pretend that hope gives me the right to decide for you.
“I wanted to tell you in person. I wanted you to see them before you had to answer anything. I wanted to explain what I had been afraid to say.”
The next line began, “I thought if I could just find the courage—”
Then Camille had crossed out the rest of the sentence. A dark stroke cut through the words beneath it. The ink had dried long ago.
Adrien stared at the crossed-out line. The letter continued on the next page, but the rest was brief.
“I don’t know when you’ll read this. I don’t know if I’ll find the courage to give it to you before then. I only know I can’t let the girls grow up believing they were a secret because they were unwanted.
“They were never unwanted.
“Camille”
The final word sat alone at the bottom of the page.
Adrien lowered the letter. He could hear the steady hum of the clinic lights above them. For a few seconds, no one spoke.
Mila’s face had gone solemn.
“She wanted to tell you,” she said.
“Yes,” Adrien answered. “She did.”
“But she didn’t.”
“No. She didn’t.”
He would not make Camille a villain to soften the hurt, or turn her fear into an excuse that erased the hurt altogether. She had loved their daughters. She had kept the truth from him. Both things could be true.
Nora glanced at Elise.
“Did Mom ever say why she didn’t give it to him later?”
Elise looked down at the blanket covering her legs.
“She told me she still wanted to talk to Adrien herself. She thought she might find a way.”
“But why didn’t she?” Nora pressed.
Elise’s mouth opened, then closed. There was no answer she could give without guessing.
“I don’t know, sweetheart,” she said. “I wish I did.”
Adrien glanced at the letter’s crossed-out line. Whatever Camille had meant to write after those words, it was gone. The page gave him a beginning and a confession, but not the conversation she had hoped to have.
He placed the letter carefully on his knee.
“I have questions, too,” he said. “We don’t have to solve them all today.”
Mila looked up at him.
“Are we still going back with you?”
“Yes. We’re going back to the house, unless the people helping us make another safe plan. I’ll tell you what I know. I won’t disappear and make you guess.”
Mila did not smile. But she did not turn away, either.
Elise shifted against her pillows. “Adrien, there’s something else.”
May you like
He met her eyes.
“Camille left another letter with me,” she said. “This one is addressed to Mila and Nora.”