Chapter 3 - The Man Behind the Light
I didn't have to see him to know where he was.
After she pulled her hand back from my chair, the room got quiet again. The curtains moved a little. Daylight came through white and soft across my blanket and my bear's ears. I held him tighter against my stomach with my left arm and kept my right hand near my joystick. I didn't drive. I just kept it there so she'd remember.
She sat back on her heels. She wasn't smiling big anymore. Just breathing. Watching me like she had time.
Behind us, up high near the bookshelf, there was a little red light. I'd seen it that morning when she wheeled me in. It wasn't blinking. It just stayed on. That meant the screen was on in the other room.
I knew that room. It was down the hall where the lamp stayed warm even in the daytime. The lights in the back got all blurry if you looked from the door. He liked it dark in there. He said it helped him think.
I pictured him sitting there.
He'd be leaned forward with his elbow on the arm of the chair and his hand up near his chin. He did that when he was worried and trying not to show it. His watch would catch the lamplight when he moved. He had dark hair combed back and stubble on his face because he hadn't shaved that morning. He'd be looking at the big screen, watching us in my bedroom like it was happening right in front of him.
On the screen he'd see the back of my head and my chair with the headrest behind me. He'd see her blue shirt and her ponytail and my bear. He'd hear everything because the sound was turned up.
I knew what his face would look like. Intense. Like he wanted to jump up.
Last spring at school pickup he'd done it. I remembered it clear. The line of cars was moving slow by the sidewalk and the aide had my chair at the curb. My wheels were turned wrong against the crack. I had it. I was working the joystick little by little to straighten out. Then his hand came down over mine from behind.
"I got it," he'd said, and pushed us forward fast over the bump.
Everybody looked. The aide said, "Oh, good save, Dad." He smiled, but his hand was shaking. Later in the parking lot he kept saying sorry. He said, "I thought you were going to tip." I didn't say anything. I just held my bear and stared at the dashboard. My hand felt hot where he'd grabbed it.
That was the thing. He always moved too fast because he was scared.
In the dim room, I pictured his hand starting to move and then stopping. He would rub his chin instead. He would tell himself not to get up.
The floor in the hall creaked one time. I heard it. Or I thought I did. My ears got hot. I thought, here he comes. He's going to come in and say, let's make this easier, let's just do it my way.
She heard it too. Her eyes flicked fast toward the door and then back to me. She didn't call out. She didn't get up to check. She stayed kneeling by my chair.
That helped me breathe a little.
I looked down at my bear. His fur was worn flat on one side where I held him at night. I fixed his arm where it was bent wrong. The joystick felt cool under my fingers.
In my head I could see my dad in that warm dark. The screen light would be on his face. His hand would still be near his mouth. He'd be watching her wait. Watching me not talk. It would be killing him.
But he stayed in his chair.
I knew because the door didn't open. The hallway stayed quiet. The red light stayed on.
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He was letting her try alone. For once, he wasn't going to reach in and grab the controls.
I wasn't ready to trust her yet. But I was glad he stayed behind the light.
