Chapter 6 - Hand Near Chin
That morning the sun had moved off my blanket and onto the floor. It made a bright line by my wheel. I stared at it while she fixed my pillows.
She didn't fluff them like nurses did. She just pulled the one behind my headrest straight and asked, "Better?"
I nodded. My bear was sitting on my lap. His ear was bent. I didn't fix it yet.
Mom would have fixed it. That's what I thought and didn't say.
She sat back on her knees. She wore the same blue shirt. I could see her little gold necklace move when she breathed. The curtains moved a little too. The room smelled like clean sheets and the lotion she used.
"I'm going to get water," she said. "You good for a minute?"
I shrugged. That meant yes. I'd learned she wouldn't jump on a shrug.
She stood up and went to the little table by the window. She had left a plastic cup there. When she turned her back, my elbow hit my bear.
It wasn't a big thing. Just my arm sliding wrong on the armrest. He fell off my lap and landed on my footrest, then slipped down between my foot and the side guard.
I felt my stomach drop. I tried to grab him fast, but my seatbelt held me back a little. I leaned and my fingers missed his arm by like an inch.
She heard the little sound I made. She turned around with the cup in her hand.
I waited for what always happened next. Someone saying, "Oh, let me get that," and picking him up before I could even breathe.
She stopped. She didn't come right over. She looked at where he was.
"Do you want my help?" she asked.
It was the same way she'd asked it before. Quiet. Not baby.
I shook my head no. My face got hot. I didn't want her to see me stuck.
"I've got it," I said. My voice came out low.
She nodded and put the cup down. She knelt back down beside me, but not too close. She kept her hands on her own knees.
I knew about the screen then. I hadn't known the first day, but yesterday I'd seen the little red light on the camera up by the closet. She'd told me straight when I pointed at it.
"That's so he can see you're okay," she'd said. "He worries."
I didn't ask who. I knew. He was in the other room where it was dark and warm. Watching us on that big screen.
I thought about his hand near his chin. He always did that when he was trying not to say something. I'd seen him do it at the kitchen table a hundred times.
My bear had slid farther. His leg was caught under the strap of my footrest. If I drove forward even a little, I'd run over him.
I breathed in through my nose. I told myself don't rush.
I unlocked my joystick with my thumb. It clicked. The chair beeped soft.
I could feel her watching me, but she didn't talk over me. The curtains made a soft sound. A car went by outside.
I backed my chair up two inches. Just a little whir. Then I stopped. I bent forward as far as the belt let me. My back hurt a little.
My fingers touched fur.
"Almost," she whispered. Not loud. Like she was on my team.
I tried again. I moved my foot back flat to give more room. Then I pinched his ear between two fingers and pulled slow. He came loose.
I pulled him up to my chest and held him tight. His fur was warm from the sun line on the floor.
I looked at her. She smiled, but not big. Her eyes got a little shiny. She breathed out.
"Nice driving," she said.
I held my bear's bent ear and fixed it this time. I felt shaky, but good shaky. Like after I do something by myself on the playground and nobody claps.
In the other room, I knew he had leaned forward. I knew his hand was up by his mouth. I knew he'd wanted to come through that door fast and pick up my bear for me.
But the door didn't open. It stayed shut.
She didn't look at the camera. She just stayed kneeling by me.
"You did that exactly how an eight-year-old does it," she said. "You backed up first. Smart."
I nodded. I tucked my bear under my arm so he wouldn't fall again.
"Can I have water now?" I asked.
"Yeah," she said, and handed me the cup. She held the bottom while I drank so it wouldn't tip. She didn't hold my hands. Just the cup.
I drank and some water dripped. She wiped it with her thumb, quick, like it was no big deal.
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The red light on the camera stayed on. He was still there. But he hadn't come in. He'd let me get him myself.
I liked that he stayed back. I didn't know how to say it, so I didn't say anything at all.
